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My safe word is letsgetmarried.
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
If you`re gonna label the silica gel "do not eat", maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me
Men think they have it bad, but they`re not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.