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On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
I only accept apologies in cash.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.