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I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
Please drink responsibly this weekend and don`t drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won`t leave the house! ... Good talk!
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
Be nice to me ... I may be hot one day.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.