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Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give them one.
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
I put my head between my legs and lean forward.....thats how I roll
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
If your day was that bad, why do you assume we want to know about it?
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........