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I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
I need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
Describe myself in three words ... 1. Lazy
NASCAR pit crews are always retiring. Let it sink in: now laugh
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.