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Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
Debt doesn`t buy happiness either.
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…