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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
Monday comes saturday ends and somewhere in between i realized i slept the weekend away....):
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!