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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
I just saw someone by themselves not looking at a phone. Hope they`re ok.
Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
yo fellas how did that "wow" comment you left on that girls facebook picture play out
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news` annual turkey fryer accident story?
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
I have read so much about the dangers of drinking and smoking, that i have decided to quit reading