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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
If you´re a millionaire and you don´t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you´re wasting it.
How many V and M can see
NNNNNMNNNNNNNVVWWWWVWWWWW
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation.
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
People like you are the reason people like me take pills.
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!