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I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
My life is loosely based on a true story.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.