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I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.