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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.