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I have no time for games in my relationships. Unless by games you`re referring to naked twister. I`ve always got time for that sh!t.
Hey Samsung and Apple, no need for commercials. We’ve all chosen sides.
They say in the near future computers will become more intelligent than people, really, the near future? I walk down the street and see girls who struggle with the difference between orange and tanned, guys who have no idea how a belt works, and all of them with less language skills then the average trained chimp. Computers? Hell I’ve got an alarm clock that’s smarter than most of them right now.
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
Wtf? I was always told to treat people the way I want to be treated.. Stupid sexual harassment charges pending.
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
If a single teacher can’t teach all the subjects then how could you expect a single student to learn all subjects.
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
I have many talents... For example: Sleeping.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever