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The naughty me makes the nice me giggle.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic