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You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?