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My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
I have NEVER faked a sarcasm in my life ;)
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as the Kraft Singles?
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.
Back in my day we had 9 planets.
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.