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I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
It’s not that I’m old, your music really does suck.
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
Strangers are like birds. If you run at them screaming and waving your arms they will run away.
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
I’m too young to be too old for everything.
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.