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From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
That must have been a heck of a party judging by the police reports.
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.