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When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
is "insert clever remark here."
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
I hate people who take drugs ... Customs for example.