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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
This nude beach would be great!...if I wasn`t the only one participating.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
You can`t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
My life is loosely based on a true story.
My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99
We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.......
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.