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Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
my neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.