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The naughty me makes the nice me giggle.
A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
If he remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
Facebook where I am surrounded with people but still no one can see me biting my toe nails or picking my nose :-D
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.