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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
I am the bestest at the English language...
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Why is it called "reading a book" and not paper view?
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It`s a free country really.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
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Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.