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I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.
So today my gym was crowded...at least I think it was a gym...Do gyms usually have drive thrus?