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It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
I should come with a warning label.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.