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I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
It`s gonna be hotter than Billy Ray Cyrus after watching his daughters performance on the VMA`s tomorrow!
If you love someone, let them go, if they don`t come back..... Set them on fire *evil grin*
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.