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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn`t care.....Ceiling fan: 6 Me: 0