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Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We`ll both regret it soon enough.
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!