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A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
Tony Soprano dead....Whitey Bulger on trial...coincidence??? I think not!
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...