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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn`t hear you the first 100 times.
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
The point is... Is Imma hug you like a panda nd you`re gunna like it.!(:
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.