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ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I. (I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
Go ahead caller 9!!
I`m only 30 lbs away from my New Year`s resolution to lose 20 lbs!!
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.