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A wise man once said nothing.
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I don´t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake