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I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
Winning isn`t everything. Rubbing it in the face of your opponent is also important.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"