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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
"You only live once" is also an equally compelling reason not to do something extreme or stupid.
There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.