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Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
I`m selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat