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Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
this website used to be full of funny statuses. Then the 8-year olds came in.
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”