Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
Diet plan: make friends fatter
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!