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The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I`m "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.