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Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
What Flickering Lights Mean: 1% Electrical problems 99% demons and sh!t.
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well