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Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
It`s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.