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I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
I`m starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.