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I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
I like to say, "Well, enough with the small talk" before anyone has a chance to speak.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.