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Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
...you ever ponder why that page was intentionally left blank?
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
Care less and you’ll stress less.
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?