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If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
Well, just 8 more hours of Facebook and I can go back to bed. *phew*
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.