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You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.