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Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
I just made my first snow angel!! ... Ok fine.. I got bored, got drunk and then passed out in the snow, whatever!