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DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
“Swearing is unattractive” I’m not attractive anyway so f*ck off
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.