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I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s…That’s because she changes it more often.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.