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I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
You know you`re addicted to your iphone when you start using your fingers to zoom into things on your laptop computer. Or a printed photo. Or a book. Or your watch.
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
I’m not surprised you’re having problems I had a bad experience with your reality once too.
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.