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I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.