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Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
After a night of heavily drinkin` there`s one thing I can`t stand...and that`s up.
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.