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My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
People with jobs: It`s Friday!!! People without jobs: It`s Friday?
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
Some Facebook friends are like ghost you dont see them but you know their there
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?