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At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
This patience thing takes forever.
I should be asleep, but there are a lot of things I should be.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.