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My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
Marriage tip: Don`t
i don`t care if u don`t like me ........... i am not a facebook status:D
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
I guess “Trying to be” isn’t really the answer the doctor was looking for when he asked if I was sexually active.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave