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I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
I would unblock you but then I`d be admitting I`d made a mistake and that`s just not my thing.
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"