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"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
Why is it called "Alien vs Predator"? Isn`t predator an alien too? They should`ve just called it "Some Aliens"
My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
Boy it`s nice out today... or at least that`s what it says on my computer.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.