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If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
i think lady gaga puts glue on herself, and rolls around random items.
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women`s facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren`t looking at her face.