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You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
My leadership experience is pretty much limited to those three consecutive days in first grade when I was line leader.
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.