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The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
After watching the "Schticky" ad, I am convinced now there are 8 wonders of the world.
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`