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I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I got BOMBED last night and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I`m getting 4 million dollars back this year!
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.