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Who´s up for Candyland? $20 buy in
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
Still don`t understand why you can`t end a company-wide email with, `Later b*tches.`
Remember when the world ended last year?
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
I am a Mother hear me roar.....especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.