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I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
A man who scratches his butt should not bite fingernails!
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.