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A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I`m kidding, it`s her boobs.
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…