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If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I`m depressed.
i love you with all my butt. i would say heart but my butt is bigger :)
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
If there`s one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it`s... "Goonies never say die!"
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
The future was so much cooler in the past.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.