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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
Hush little laptop don`t you cry,mumma gonna find you some more wifi.
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people, respect it!
Whoever said "What goes around, comes around", never passed around a bag of Doritos......................
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.