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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
LIFE always offers you a second chance,its called TOMORROW
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.