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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
I`d like to have a child one day...Two days, tops.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
99 Days Facebook Free? Big deal! In 1999 I went a whole year without Facebook.
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."