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Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
Either I need to up my dosage or my income.
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
Must be my day for Mis-Advertizing --- I just ate a Bowl of Cheerios ----- and they DIDN`T make me Happy!!!! FML!!! :-P
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell