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"It`s cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I`m so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don`t have to go to Facebook today. You`re welcome.
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff.
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
It’s only Wednesday and I’m 95% done with this week.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.
I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food´s food!
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!