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Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!