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I hate it when people beg for likes, like if you agree?
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
I love all religions. They bring holidays .
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.