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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do!
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...