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The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
Iām the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
When your feeling down, I will be there to feel you up. ;)
"I understand your logic, but let`s try to look at this more emotionally." - women
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.