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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.