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Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
It`s always darkest before the dawn. So if you`re going steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s be the time to do it.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.