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I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
I know I`ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.