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They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
I prefer to use the bathroom naked w/ the door wide open. Sorry if this interferes with your idea of a "safe & fun work environment"
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.