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Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I`ll have to turn to Facebook.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like Iād be pretty good at that.
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.