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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
I hate when I`m admiring my good looks from a car`s window reflection and the people inside think I`m staring at them.
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.