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Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
I don`t know about you, but I`ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.