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My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don`t even know if I`m kidding or not.
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
I have many thoughts. I just can´t remember any of them.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.