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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
"You only live once. LOL JK!" ~ the cat
The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
the real full form of M.B.A....Married But Available
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.