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I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer.
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
You look like you only got about 5 of your 8 hours of beauty sleep last night...
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Secret Web Cam Test: Please nod your head yes if you can read this.
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.