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Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
I can only please one person a day...and today is not your day!
#1738 "The fact that people use the wrong "your" and "there" yet spell "Bieber" correctly bothers me."-dd
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.