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My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
If I agreed with you we´d both be wrong.
My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
loosing weight tip: turn your head to the left then to the right. Do this everytime you are offered food.
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.