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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
The problem with frozen yogurt is that it`s not ice cream.
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.