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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
University; It`s like being unemployed, but your parents are proud of you.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?