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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Most problems can be solved with nudity
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
REPOSTED~WARNING~PLEASE READ! If someone comes to your door and asks you to remove your clothes,and dance with your arms in the air...~DO NOT DO THIS....~It is a SCAM~...They just want to see you naked....I wish I had known this yesterday....I feel so stupid now
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?