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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player" I must have the white iPhone.
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.