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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
Just read someones status, "Today is the frist day of your life," Thats just stupid, mine was over 45 years ago.. If it was the frist day of your life you wouldn`t be able to read it... Dummy