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you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.