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According to my nipples, summer is over
Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
I might be a day late and a dollar short, but it is still my personal best.
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!