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I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!