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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?