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*wants to travel the world but has like 3 dollars*
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!