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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.