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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
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Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.
Money isn´t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.