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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.