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A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl`s stomach full for 9 months.
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
I burn bridges to keep those crazy bastards from following me.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.