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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
"Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It`s my first summer.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
pens and pencils are drumsticks and desks and textbooks are drum kits. its a fact.
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.