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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They`re called Nuns `n` Moses.
It`s all sh*ts and giggles till somebody giggles and sh*ts
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
I don’t understand decaf coffee. It’s like sex without the sex.
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
I hate when the remote is way over there