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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
I think I need to return my GPS...no matter what it can`t help me find easy street
No matter how busy a guy is, he can always take out a moment from his busy life to just stop and stare at a beautiful girl.
My kids refuses to play with the Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.