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One thing`s for sure when I shower with my boyfriend. My titties are spotless!!
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
I`m perfect you adjust.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.