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I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
I`m single by choice. Just not my choice.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?