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Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
Please don`t hastag out loud...
I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
I`m such a thrill seeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster...
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.