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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
"Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
I wish I can start a new diet, but there`s a bunch of old diets I haven`t finish.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.