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Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
When I bust a move , it stays busted.
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I wish I can start a new diet, but there`s a bunch of old diets I haven`t finish.
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I`m certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!