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The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
I just threw up my weekend.
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
Running behind is my cardio.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.