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I wanna see Mythbusters do the bible.
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
There`s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it`s usually a prescription.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Hi, we`re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can`t ever find our dog.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger ... at least one of them anyway.
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.