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I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
Any question is a hard hitting question when it`s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
I`ll take "who the f*ck would know that" for $600, Alex.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
Are you one of those people that get hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your a$$ off of Facebook.
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.