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The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
In the word "scent" is it the s that is silent or the c?
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.