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I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
The problem with diets is pizza.
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??