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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
the difference between people and celebreties ...... celebreties don`t have a routine
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.
You had me at 0 mutual friends