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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.
Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You`re Welcome..
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.