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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
The difference between “like” “love” and “in love” is the same as the difference between “for now” “for a while” and “forever”
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.