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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people.
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
I`m only 30 lbs away from my New Year`s resolution to lose 20 lbs!!
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn`t eat.
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants