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I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
Diet plan: make friends fatter
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
You look like you only got about 5 of your 8 hours of beauty sleep last night...
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside