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Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I`d like to have a child one day...Two days, tops.
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
So much to do and so few alibis.
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...
Last person to like this wins a prize.
Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.